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I am Nineteen


Nineteen.

It's quite funny to me, my age.

Two years ago, I was seventeen, with my family at the airport walking around duty free, seeing as we were to catch a long-haul, nighttime flight, I was dressed in appropriate comfy clothes, my hair tied up; to be honest, I was already pretty tired. My dad decided to buy us each something from the perfume shop, if we wanted, so I decided to take him up on this rare offer and went over to a perfume I had just recently put down. My mum and I were approached by one of the perfume sales assistants who asked me my age in order to match an appropriate perfume.
I said 'seventeen', and he echoed me in a surprised and quite a skeptical voice.
I replied 'Yes', probably looking, and sounding slightly annoyed and he said under his breath - but, still very much loud enough for me to hear, 'You look more like twelve'.

More recently, un-sticking our shoes from the floor every so often dancing in a club on New Year's Eve, I was with some friends and at one point we decided to get some fresh air outside and got chatting to some guys. The casual question of age came around and one of them was so shocked when I replied with 'eighteen' that he had to double check that he'd heard correctly. He said he had thought I was around twenty-five!


I dress in comfy clothes and I look twelve, I put on a (little - I'm lazy) bit of make-up and I look twenty-five.
Hmmm.


I suppose it makes sense though, because I never really felt like the age I was. I never felt 'old enough' to be eighteen, or to be learning to drive, or, to be finishing high school. On the other hand, I always felt 'too old' to be worrying about exams, or to still be undecided about the career I wanted to have. I felt that who I was, never really matched how old I was, nor what I looked like, nor where I was in my life at that moment, nor how I thought I should be.

I turned nineteen years old yesterday. An age that is very much overshadowed by the eighteenth and twenty-first birthdays, but I feel like nineteen is just as important. Despite there not being any new benefits in the eyes of the law, nor any significance in relation to the education system, I feel that nineteen is important because I should've had enough practice at being an adult to now be comfortable or at least have a better idea of how to deal with that level of independence.
At this age, I always imagined myself decided on what I wanted to do in life and on that corresponding path. But a lot has changed in these past few years and with that, what I want to do and who I wanted to be.

I've imagined myself at university studying physics or as a hairdresser or with my own car or abroad somewhere.
But then, I also thought I'd be a little taller.
Instead, I'm writing this at home, sitting on my bed, (5ft2" tall, in case you were wondering), but I honestly couldn't be happier!

I'm the person I've always wanted to be, in the sense that I like who I am plus I'm doing what feels right at the moment and heading in a direction that really excites me! It may not be conventional but I'm completely okay with that; I've found the path for me and I'm having fun skipping down it. I've achieved things I never could've imagined and I know and trust that I can look after myself in whatever situation but also that if I do want some help, there are countless people I can ask. I'm learning to let go of things that hold me back and to listen my heart.

I think age is a very personal thing. For me, I've now decided to think of it as simply the number of times I've been around the Sun. Perhaps, a way in which to organise my life into different chapters.


And so for the first time, in a long time, I feel that who I am matches the age I am.











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8 comments:

  1. Beautiful and inspiring post!

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  2. amazing words Vanisha! thanks for sharing and happy birthday btw! Hope you had an amazing day :)) Grace x
    More than Exist

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  3. Hey Vanisha! Just to let you know, I've nominated you for the Creative Blogger Award right here http://www.amandasays.org.uk/2015/05/the-creative-blogger-award/
    Have a lovely day! Amanda x

    ♥.•*¨ AmandaSays ¨*•.♥

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