Spiritual Hiatus

I seem to have found myself on a spiritual hiatus.

It was probably inevitable because I was already this year starting to question the need for spirituality considering so many people live fulfilling lives seemingly without those beliefs, as can a lot of people practice yoga or meditate without so too.

Well turns out, my relationship to spirituality has simply gotten distorted. Because apparently, even someone who has learned about mindfulness, knows the importance being attune to your emotions and blogs about accepting your shadows, doesn't always practise what she preaches.
Old habits die hard I guess.
*Cue Lorde's Perfect Places*
For maybe a couple of months, early last year, spiritual practises had started to replace what would usually be stress responses like binge watching Netflix, scrolling deep on Insta or finding myself on the weird side of Youtube. And thus, instead of tuning in, I was simply tuning out the noise of the things I didn't want to admit.

Why am I writing about something that was happening early last year? Because it was only recently, that I was called out on my behaviour during a pretty bad and very selfish period of escapism. I didn't realise that my practises had become means to aid my denial - I was masking various insecurities, the lies I was telling myself stopped me from being honest with others and I ended up hurting someone I care about. Afterwards, I was only aware of the damage I'd caused on my side. It wasn't until I was called out on it, did I realise, regardless of my intentions, the seriousness of the repercussions of my behaviour and this kind of 'non-self-aware' escapism, (i.e. when escapism becomes an unhealthy avoidance that hinders more than it helps).

I think this is why spirituality has been slowly losing it's appeal to me - because last year, I reduced such practises to simply a means to cope, when in actual fact, 'spiritual explanations' and practises sort of landed in my life as opposed to me seeking solace. When I first consciously started furthering my spiritual growth, it helped me face and embrace my emotions, become more mindful of my thoughts, connect deeply with others, find the courage to stand up for what I believe in and brought me a taste of inner peace... so, I should have known better. I obviously need to try harder to completely replace old habits with the new.

But I digress, it seems I've (re-)concluded that spirituality is not necessarily what you do, but how you do it; a set of values reflected in your everyday actions. Maybe now, with this refreshed perspective, it's time to slowly tap back into that part of my life again.

'The aim is to balance the terror of being alive with the wonder of being alive'- Carlos Castaneda


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