Spiritual Hiatus

I seem to have found myself on a spiritual hiatus.
I've heard that this is apparently common for people to go through, maybe because they need to focus on the non-spiritual work in their life for a bit, maybe because they need to learn some life lesson. Or maybe it's just another identity, existential or quarter-life crisis, take your pick.

Basically, sometime a few weeks ago I woke up and felt completely disconnected to the universe.
In one of my first posts on here, I described how yoga made me feel connected to my soul, and sort of, full inside. That morning I felt the opposite, I felt empty inside, 'cut-off' from my environment - dramatic, I know, because it's been a while since I've felt so lost like that.

It was probably inevitable because I was already this year starting to question the need for spirituality considering so many people live fulfilling lives seemingly without those beliefs, as can a lot of people practice yoga or meditate without so too.

Well turns out, my view of spirituality has (or 'had' because now I'm aware of it?) simply gotten distorted. Because apparently, even someone who has learned about mindfulness and knows the importance being attune to your emotions still feels the need to escape reality sometimes.
Old habits die hard I guess.
*Cue Lorde's Perfect Places*
During roughly the first few months of last year, spiritual practises had started to replace what would usually be stress responses like binge watching Netflix, scrolling deep on Insta or finding myself on the weird side of Youtube. And thus, instead of tuning in, I was simply tuning out the noise of the things I didn't want to admit.

Why am I writing about something that was happening early last year? Because it was only recently, that I was called out on something I did during a pretty bad and very selfish period of escapism that lasted on and off for a few weeks. I was unaware that my practises had become means to aid my denial - I was masking various insecurities, and in short, I fucked up. The lies I was telling myself stopped me from being honest with others and I ended up badly hurting someone I care about. Some shitty collateral damage and a heaping of karma later (though I've only now realised that what happened was karma - also, yes, karma is very real. And very efficient. Aand very thorough) spirituality was more or less back to being a way to help connect. But regardless, escapism is still an occurrence in my life and until I was called out on it, I didn't realise the seriousness of the repercussions of this kind of 'non-self-aware' escapism - i.e. when escapism becomes an unhealthy avoidance that hinders more than it helps. Thanks to this slap in the face of a realisation, I can make a conscious effort to completely shake this old habit of hiding from my shadow emotions.

I think this is why spirituality has been slowly losing it's appeal to me - because last year, I analytically reduced such practises to simply a means to cope, when in actual fact, 'spiritual explanations' and practises (sort of landed in my life as opposed to me seeking solace. When I first consciously started furthering my spiritual growth, it helped me face and embrace my emotions, become more mindful of my thoughts, connect deeply with others, find the courage to stand up for what I believe in and brought me a taste of inner peace. I'm still learning though, like with the case of escapism, some old habits have obviously (and unfortunately) yet to be completely replaced by the new habits spirituality has helped me forge...

But I digress, now that I've re-concluded/renewed my perspective that spirituality is not necessarily what you do, but how you do it; a set of values reflected in your everyday actions, I think I can now slowly tap back into that part of my life again.

'The aim is to balance the terror of being alive with the wonder of being alive'- Carlos Castaneda


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