Spiritual Hiatus

I seem to have found myself on a spiritual hiatus.
This is apparently common for people to go through, maybe because they need to focus on the non-spiritual work in their life for a bit, maybe because they need to learn some life lesson. Or maybe it's just another identity, existential or quarter-life crisis, take your pick.

Basically, sometime a few weeks ago I woke up and felt completely disconnected to the universe.
Ironically, I wouldn't have been able to describe to you what feeling 'connected' feels like before now... - actually let me give it a go... when I 'got into' spirituality and started to look at the world around me in terms of fundamental particles and energy, I used to imagine what a situation would look like from a different perspective - not a differing psychological perspective, but a physical one. So right now, for example, my perspective if my atoms were arranged differently and I was the pair of jeans lying on my bedroom floor looking up at a human with glasses and morning hair typing on a laptop in bed. It amused me and slowly made me feel a sort of affinity with my environment. Your beliefs, whatever they may be, are reflected in your surroundings, but what I thought were well-established beliefs were no longer reflected back. It feels like you're almost 'cut-off' from your environment - dramatic, I know, because it's been a while since I've felt so lost like that.

It was probably inevitable because I was already this year starting to question the need for spirituality considering so many people live fulfilling lives seemingly without those beliefs, as can a lot of people practice yoga or meditate without so too. On a personal level, is the fact that spirituality is not at the top of my priorities list a result of my life going so well at the moment or because of my life going so well at the moment? I.e. is it because my focus needs to be on other things, or is it because at the moment I don't need spirituality?

Well turns out, my view of spirituality has (or 'had' because now I'm aware of it?) simply gotten distorted. Because even someone who speaks highly and often of mindfulness and being attune to your emotions feels the need to escape reality sometimes.
*Cue Lorde's Perfect Places*
Early last year, there were times where spirituality had replaced what would usually be binge watching Netflix, scrolling deep on Insta or finding myself on the weird side of Youtube. And thus, instead of tuning in, I was simply tuning out the noise of the things I didn't want to admit.

Why am I writing about something that was happening early last year? Because only recently, I was called out on something I did during a pretty bad period of escapism that lasted on and off for a few weeks. I was unaware that my practises had become means to aid my denial. Some shitty collateral damage and a heaping of karma later (though I've only now realised that what happened was karma - also, yes, karma is very real. And very efficient. And very thorough) spirituality was more or less back to being a way to connect. But regardless, escapism is still an occurrence in my life and until I was called out on it, I didn't realise the seriousness of the repercussions of 'non-self-aware' escapism - i.e. when escapism becomes an unhealthy avoidance that hinders more than it helps. Thanks to this slap in the face of a realisation, I can make a conscious effort to completely break this habit and figure out the probable underlying cause. For the record, to help with this, I've removed anything on here and Instagram that I shared from an insincere place.

I think this is why spirituality has been slowly losing it's appeal to me - because in the past, I had reduced such practises to simply a means to cope, when in actual fact, spirituality sort of landed in my life as opposed to me seeking solace. It helped me face and embrace my emotions, become more mindful of my thoughts, connect deeply with others, find the courage to stand up for what I believe in and brought me a taste of inner peace.

Now that I've re-concluded/renewed my perspective that spirituality is not necessarily what you do, but how you do it; a set of values reflected in your everyday actions, I think I can now slowly get back into spiritual practises again (e.g. following astrology, binaural beats, spiritual texts and talks). But of course, everyone's experiences and views are different, this is just my interpretation of spirituality... at least until the next personal crisis ;)

Just like an artist takes a step back every so often to look at their piece as a whole, sometimes it's useful to take a step back and look at your life as a whole, whether to learn from your mistakes or to appreciate how far you've come, it can give you an insight into yourself and that insight can really help you grow.


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